Too Many Memories?

Friday night, I attended HPCA's graduation, and on the car ride home, Joy asked, "Does this make you nostalgic?" Of course, it did. Because as of the past year, I have become the most nostalgic person I know, and that is not a good thing. What does nostalgia even mean? It's one of those words that I use but sometimes I think we use words without fully understanding their implications.

I think of nostalgia as simply remembering the past, but it goes far deeper than that. This definition implies that it is a yearning, which involves much more than simply remembering. And it is sentimental, which means this yearning goes beyond just the events but the emotions and feelings felt during previous times. Often, I think that nostalgia is a good thing. I glorify it in fact because I think that it's okay to dwell on the happiness of the former times in order to see how that shaped who I am today. But in reality, nostalgia often breeds discontentment in me. I long for the "good old days" when I was happy and carefree, when in actuality those "good old days" had their disappointments and their heartache. I have just chosen to forget that and only remember the happiness.

Lately especially, I have been trying to reign in my nostalgia. More or less out of fear to remember a happiness I felt at one time that doesn't exist. It's no secret that the happiness of my high school graduation was tied to some other novel events happening in my life that I have refrained from mentioning on this blog before. It would be a boldfaced lie to say that I have not wished for things to have gone differently and remembered things differently in my head. And my tendency towards this nostalgia has prevented me from moving on and allowing my heart to heal.

I am almost afraid that I won't remember how good things were. I am afraid that I will forget all the good times and memories and people. And I don't want to. Who would? But by remaining in the past, I am hindering how I live in the present. I don't want to be too caught up in the memories that I create what I am trying to avoid. As silly as it seems, I am worried that I won't ever be that happy again. That my life is going to be downhill from here on out. I know that is false, but still it doesn't mean the idea hasn't entered my head.

Jesus called the rich young ruler to leave all of his possessions and follow Him. I don't want Jesus to ask me to leave all my memories and follow Him, and me to turn away because I was saddened. Now, I know that is most likely not going to happen, but I heard someone say before that we should pray boldly. And it is my prayer that if God were to completely erase my memory, so that I forget everything that ever happened to me, all the people, the laughs, the good times, the tears, the drama, that I would be okay with that and still serve Him. I want Him to take away everything that is hindering me from fully following Him. He has blessed me with those memories, but am I giving glory to the memories or to the One who gave me those opportunities?