I want so badly to believe

I want so badly to believe
That there is truth, that love is real
And I want life in every word
To the extent that it's absurd

Above is the chorus from "Clark Gable" by The Postal Service. Many times throughout the past year at college, these lines have stuck with me. Though I do love the song as a whole, these lines in particular speak to me about something different than the acted love story the song tells. I have really been frustrated lately by other people's sin. To put it bluntly, I have become sick of people's bullshit. (Now, now, please do not lecture me on swearing or on my lack of understanding when to use swear words. I have heard it all before). I have just been so frustrated with people saying one thing and then living another. With people saying that they are going to go about fixing something and then just not dealing with it. Now as I remember this, I see that I was indeed looking at the speck in my brother's eye unaware of the log in my own.

Tonight as I sit down to do my Bible study, these lyrics come back to me because I don't really want to take the time to sit down and focus on the Word of God. I'd rather watch Lost. It requires much less actual brain power. But by not actually digging into the Word, I am lying to myself by not practicing what I claim to believe. If I say that ultimately all that matters in the grand scheme of things is my relationship with God, then why is the majority of my time spent in so many other endeavors?

Summer Goals

I am currently sitting on the floor of my room listening to none other than Sweet Disposition by the ever-awesome Australian band The Temper Trap, and my room is a mess. I have been bumming it all day after work watching How I Met Your Mother and napping. For most people, my room is actually reasonably clean. But it's explosion represents what's been on my mind lately. Fashion magazines left open all over the floor, a car repair manual for the Datsun turned over and left open to the introduction, various shoes I have been wearing left neatly in random spots, all my stuffed animals in the corner from when Megan spent the night and I had to clear my bed, a half made friendship bracelet, a copy of Les Miserables abandoned for far too long, along with other open and uncompleted projects. And I don't want the state of my room to determine the way my summer goes. I feel like my attention span has decreased so much. I have traded in books and movies for magazines and TV shows. I need to establish some sort of routine for days when I am not working, and even for days that I am working. I don't need to sleep and sleep and then when I wake up not have any energy to do anything. Waking up at 5:11 a lot of mornings sucks. Because who wants to wake up at that hour? And honestly who wants to have to communicate with people at that hour, but that is what my summer is going to look like, and I really do enjoy work. It's just those first few moments after waking up where I wonder why the heck am I working so early.

I made a few summer goals. Well actually I only have two that I have actually written down so far. Again, I don't even have enough of an attention span to make goals for the summer.

                1. Read the newspaper and actually be aware of current events.
                2. Learn all about cars. Makes and models. Parts. Mechanics.
                How to change the oil and a tire.

Those are kind of random, but I have realized that I am very politically unaware and rarely know exactly what is going on in the world around me. I mean I knew stuff was happening in Egypt and Libya, but to be honest, I didn't really know anything. And that's sad. Also, I think cars are cool, and I like ghetto old cars, and those tend to break down. It would be handy if I knew how to fix some things.

More importantly though, I really wanna grow close to Jesus. And I am super excited about the Greensboro Summer Project! I am also excited that on Wednesdays we have been talking about how to study the Bible and they gave us a reading plan. If I am honest, I have never like legit studied the Bible on my own. Yeah, I have read the Bible and probably read a good bit, but consistency and depth has never been my strong suit when it comes to studying the Word on my own. I hate hate hate that that is the case since I have been a Christian for like eleven years now. But I have to start at some time, and what better time than now!