Too Many Memories?

Friday night, I attended HPCA's graduation, and on the car ride home, Joy asked, "Does this make you nostalgic?" Of course, it did. Because as of the past year, I have become the most nostalgic person I know, and that is not a good thing. What does nostalgia even mean? It's one of those words that I use but sometimes I think we use words without fully understanding their implications.

I think of nostalgia as simply remembering the past, but it goes far deeper than that. This definition implies that it is a yearning, which involves much more than simply remembering. And it is sentimental, which means this yearning goes beyond just the events but the emotions and feelings felt during previous times. Often, I think that nostalgia is a good thing. I glorify it in fact because I think that it's okay to dwell on the happiness of the former times in order to see how that shaped who I am today. But in reality, nostalgia often breeds discontentment in me. I long for the "good old days" when I was happy and carefree, when in actuality those "good old days" had their disappointments and their heartache. I have just chosen to forget that and only remember the happiness.

Lately especially, I have been trying to reign in my nostalgia. More or less out of fear to remember a happiness I felt at one time that doesn't exist. It's no secret that the happiness of my high school graduation was tied to some other novel events happening in my life that I have refrained from mentioning on this blog before. It would be a boldfaced lie to say that I have not wished for things to have gone differently and remembered things differently in my head. And my tendency towards this nostalgia has prevented me from moving on and allowing my heart to heal.

I am almost afraid that I won't remember how good things were. I am afraid that I will forget all the good times and memories and people. And I don't want to. Who would? But by remaining in the past, I am hindering how I live in the present. I don't want to be too caught up in the memories that I create what I am trying to avoid. As silly as it seems, I am worried that I won't ever be that happy again. That my life is going to be downhill from here on out. I know that is false, but still it doesn't mean the idea hasn't entered my head.

Jesus called the rich young ruler to leave all of his possessions and follow Him. I don't want Jesus to ask me to leave all my memories and follow Him, and me to turn away because I was saddened. Now, I know that is most likely not going to happen, but I heard someone say before that we should pray boldly. And it is my prayer that if God were to completely erase my memory, so that I forget everything that ever happened to me, all the people, the laughs, the good times, the tears, the drama, that I would be okay with that and still serve Him. I want Him to take away everything that is hindering me from fully following Him. He has blessed me with those memories, but am I giving glory to the memories or to the One who gave me those opportunities?

Tip toeing through the tulips

It's been almost over two months since I have updated this thing, and I thought what better way to start back up before trying to dive into multiple ideas I have of future blogs that require much thought than to share some pictures.

I was unable to resist the urge to take the weird, dramatic self-portrait

While none of these pictures are of me tip toeing through tulips, I did have to do that in order to get these. One Saturday to Megan's displeasure, I plucked several tulips during various trips from the car to my dorm room. I am sure I wasn't really supposed to pick any, but my room needed some natural beauty and tulips are my favorite flower! I joke that the reason I came to Western is because there is purple everywhere (my favorite color) and there are also tulips everywhere. It is wonderful! I had to resist the urge to go pick them all during the wee hours of the morning to fill my room. It would have made me very happy, but the flowers are there for everyone's enjoyment. I took these photos one Sunday afternoon when I should have been doing some kind of homework, probably Math. I am pleased with how they turned out considering the fact that my ghetto camera does not let you view the pictures before you take them thanks to a broken screen. Well, I am off to go read in Barnes & Nobles! Have a wonderful Sunday!

March is over?

March has flown by. I don't know where the month went. How can it be the 31st when it seems like I didn't go home for spring break that long ago? St. Patty's day was two weeks ago? Where did the time go? Part of me wants time to fly by as I am ready for summer, but then the other part of me doesn't want freshman year to be over. This has been a great first year of college. I am incredibly blessed.

Short post since I haven't updated since earlier this month. School is picking up, so you probably won't hear from me for a while.

Seeking with all our heart

I received a letter from a friend the other day, and while telling me how he was doing, he asked me to pray for something specific: that he would not try to fix the problems of his heart on his own. "It takes something deeper though. It requires me to accept defeat to realize I can't follow God without His help, just like I can't be washed clean without His help," he wrote.

So very often, we try to refocus our lives on God, to pass the distance we feel from him, to repent from sin on our own accord by reading the Bible and praying more. The very acts that are so important become our ritual, the solution themselves. But alone, they cannot save. It takes us letting go, accepting defeat, and relying on God to truly change the state of our heart, to bring about that sanctification that is on going in our lives.

Jeremiah 29:13 - "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

So very often when I read that verse, I think that it is all me doing the seeking, but that is such a misconception on my part. God calls us to desire him. He puts that desire in our heart, so that we can truly seek Him. Without His placing that within our souls, we could never come to know him. It is commonly said that we all have a God-shaped hole in heart. And this verse looked at in light of the God-shaped hole makes sense finally! If there is a hole in my heart that can only be filled by God, then in order for me to seek God with all of my heart that hole has to be filled. This verse does not imply that I am doing the seeking on my own, but rather because of God's pursuit in my heart, I can seek Him.

"There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, made known through Jesus." - Blaise Pascal

With everything we will shout forth your praise!

I feel this call. God's Spirit is moving in my heart. And it excites me. I feel the peace that surpasses all understanding. Slowly, I am seeing what it means to fully trust God with everything and what it means to deny myself. At Thrive tonight, we sang this song by Hillsong that was appropriate considering what God's revealing to me.

With Everything -Hillsong

Open our hearts,
To see the things
That make Your heart cry,
To be the church
The You would desire.
Light to be seen.

Break down our pride,
And all the walls
We've built up inside,
Our earthly crowns
And all our desires,
We lay at Your feet.

So let hope rise,
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light,
And every eye will see
Jesus, our God,
Great and mighty to be praised.

God of all days,
Glorious in all of Your ways.
Your majesty, the wonder and grace,
In the light of Your name.

With everything,
With everything,
We will shout for your glory.

With everything,
With everything,
We will shout forth your praise.

Our hearts will cry
Be glorified,
Be lifted high,
Above all names.
For You our King,
With everything,
We will shout forth your praise.


I am just so thankful for God and for who He is. And I just want to rest in this peace forever.

Me gustan las cartas.

I think that everyone should mail me letters. I like mail. Snail mail, particularly. There is something about ripping open an envelope, occasionally sealed with a sticker. I like looking at different people's handwriting. It's always fun to read someone's thoughts in their own writing. It's like you get a peak into their soul. So you should send me a letter. And I will write you back.

Karen Collins
Western Carolina University
245 Memorial Drive, Suite 6701
Cullowhee, NC 28723

The Beauty that is Les Misérables

He was out there alone with himself, composed, tranquil, adoring, comparing the serenity of his heart with the serenity of the skies, moved in the darkness by the visible splendors of the constellations and the invisible splendor of God, opening his soul to the thoughts that fall from the Unknown. In such moments, offering up his heart at the hour when the flowers of night emit their perfume, lit like a lamp in the center of the starry night, expanding in ecstasy in the midst of creation’s universal radiance, perhaps he could not have told what was happening in his own mind; he felt something floating away from him, and something descending upon him; mysterious exchanges of the soul with the universe.

He contemplated the grandeur, and the presence of God; the eternity of the future, that strange mystery; the eternity of the past, a stranger mystery; all the infinities hidden deep in every direction; and,, without trying to comprehend the incomprehensible, he saw it. He did not study God; he was dazzled by Him. 

 This is in the unabridged version of Les Misérables. People don’t write like this anymore. I am tempted to reread this insanely long novel. Victor Hugo uses words so elegantly. I just wish I could read it in French.