Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.

A lot of summer has happened since the last chance I had to update this blog, and I write this with a heavy heart. My heart is not burdened by sadness or wrought with grief, as I often connect that sentiment. My heart is heavy because it is overflowing with joy. I don't know how evident that may be because I am exhausted from work and from the busy-ness that has reappeared in my life, but lately I have been at the brink of tears when I just think of how blessed I am. Like truly blessed. I may complain, but my complaints are nothing. I may be weary, but my weariness is nothing. Life has truly just been good this past month, and I have trained myself to think "La vida es buena porque Dios es bueno." But if I am honest, the chaos (good chaos) of the past few weeks have caused my heart to forget that statement I now subconsciously add to my "life is good". This Sunday was just an excellent reminder of how good it is to be in the house of God, to worship and to hear His Word. And I want to spend this Sabbath, just being and reorganizing my thoughts (and my room) and refocusing my heart and mind on the One who has overwhelmed my heart with this joy. My joy should not come from my circumstances, these wonderful summer days and summer nights, but rather from the One who brings peace in the midst of all the chaos. If I forget that now when things are going good, how will I remember when things are going bad? I want the joy that I feel inside to overflow and bless others around me because it is rooted in Christ and all He has blessed me with.

I want so badly to believe

I want so badly to believe
That there is truth, that love is real
And I want life in every word
To the extent that it's absurd

Above is the chorus from "Clark Gable" by The Postal Service. Many times throughout the past year at college, these lines have stuck with me. Though I do love the song as a whole, these lines in particular speak to me about something different than the acted love story the song tells. I have really been frustrated lately by other people's sin. To put it bluntly, I have become sick of people's bullshit. (Now, now, please do not lecture me on swearing or on my lack of understanding when to use swear words. I have heard it all before). I have just been so frustrated with people saying one thing and then living another. With people saying that they are going to go about fixing something and then just not dealing with it. Now as I remember this, I see that I was indeed looking at the speck in my brother's eye unaware of the log in my own.

Tonight as I sit down to do my Bible study, these lyrics come back to me because I don't really want to take the time to sit down and focus on the Word of God. I'd rather watch Lost. It requires much less actual brain power. But by not actually digging into the Word, I am lying to myself by not practicing what I claim to believe. If I say that ultimately all that matters in the grand scheme of things is my relationship with God, then why is the majority of my time spent in so many other endeavors?

Summer Goals

I am currently sitting on the floor of my room listening to none other than Sweet Disposition by the ever-awesome Australian band The Temper Trap, and my room is a mess. I have been bumming it all day after work watching How I Met Your Mother and napping. For most people, my room is actually reasonably clean. But it's explosion represents what's been on my mind lately. Fashion magazines left open all over the floor, a car repair manual for the Datsun turned over and left open to the introduction, various shoes I have been wearing left neatly in random spots, all my stuffed animals in the corner from when Megan spent the night and I had to clear my bed, a half made friendship bracelet, a copy of Les Miserables abandoned for far too long, along with other open and uncompleted projects. And I don't want the state of my room to determine the way my summer goes. I feel like my attention span has decreased so much. I have traded in books and movies for magazines and TV shows. I need to establish some sort of routine for days when I am not working, and even for days that I am working. I don't need to sleep and sleep and then when I wake up not have any energy to do anything. Waking up at 5:11 a lot of mornings sucks. Because who wants to wake up at that hour? And honestly who wants to have to communicate with people at that hour, but that is what my summer is going to look like, and I really do enjoy work. It's just those first few moments after waking up where I wonder why the heck am I working so early.

I made a few summer goals. Well actually I only have two that I have actually written down so far. Again, I don't even have enough of an attention span to make goals for the summer.

                1. Read the newspaper and actually be aware of current events.
                2. Learn all about cars. Makes and models. Parts. Mechanics.
                How to change the oil and a tire.

Those are kind of random, but I have realized that I am very politically unaware and rarely know exactly what is going on in the world around me. I mean I knew stuff was happening in Egypt and Libya, but to be honest, I didn't really know anything. And that's sad. Also, I think cars are cool, and I like ghetto old cars, and those tend to break down. It would be handy if I knew how to fix some things.

More importantly though, I really wanna grow close to Jesus. And I am super excited about the Greensboro Summer Project! I am also excited that on Wednesdays we have been talking about how to study the Bible and they gave us a reading plan. If I am honest, I have never like legit studied the Bible on my own. Yeah, I have read the Bible and probably read a good bit, but consistency and depth has never been my strong suit when it comes to studying the Word on my own. I hate hate hate that that is the case since I have been a Christian for like eleven years now. But I have to start at some time, and what better time than now!

Too Many Memories?

Friday night, I attended HPCA's graduation, and on the car ride home, Joy asked, "Does this make you nostalgic?" Of course, it did. Because as of the past year, I have become the most nostalgic person I know, and that is not a good thing. What does nostalgia even mean? It's one of those words that I use but sometimes I think we use words without fully understanding their implications.

I think of nostalgia as simply remembering the past, but it goes far deeper than that. This definition implies that it is a yearning, which involves much more than simply remembering. And it is sentimental, which means this yearning goes beyond just the events but the emotions and feelings felt during previous times. Often, I think that nostalgia is a good thing. I glorify it in fact because I think that it's okay to dwell on the happiness of the former times in order to see how that shaped who I am today. But in reality, nostalgia often breeds discontentment in me. I long for the "good old days" when I was happy and carefree, when in actuality those "good old days" had their disappointments and their heartache. I have just chosen to forget that and only remember the happiness.

Lately especially, I have been trying to reign in my nostalgia. More or less out of fear to remember a happiness I felt at one time that doesn't exist. It's no secret that the happiness of my high school graduation was tied to some other novel events happening in my life that I have refrained from mentioning on this blog before. It would be a boldfaced lie to say that I have not wished for things to have gone differently and remembered things differently in my head. And my tendency towards this nostalgia has prevented me from moving on and allowing my heart to heal.

I am almost afraid that I won't remember how good things were. I am afraid that I will forget all the good times and memories and people. And I don't want to. Who would? But by remaining in the past, I am hindering how I live in the present. I don't want to be too caught up in the memories that I create what I am trying to avoid. As silly as it seems, I am worried that I won't ever be that happy again. That my life is going to be downhill from here on out. I know that is false, but still it doesn't mean the idea hasn't entered my head.

Jesus called the rich young ruler to leave all of his possessions and follow Him. I don't want Jesus to ask me to leave all my memories and follow Him, and me to turn away because I was saddened. Now, I know that is most likely not going to happen, but I heard someone say before that we should pray boldly. And it is my prayer that if God were to completely erase my memory, so that I forget everything that ever happened to me, all the people, the laughs, the good times, the tears, the drama, that I would be okay with that and still serve Him. I want Him to take away everything that is hindering me from fully following Him. He has blessed me with those memories, but am I giving glory to the memories or to the One who gave me those opportunities?

Tip toeing through the tulips

It's been almost over two months since I have updated this thing, and I thought what better way to start back up before trying to dive into multiple ideas I have of future blogs that require much thought than to share some pictures.

I was unable to resist the urge to take the weird, dramatic self-portrait

While none of these pictures are of me tip toeing through tulips, I did have to do that in order to get these. One Saturday to Megan's displeasure, I plucked several tulips during various trips from the car to my dorm room. I am sure I wasn't really supposed to pick any, but my room needed some natural beauty and tulips are my favorite flower! I joke that the reason I came to Western is because there is purple everywhere (my favorite color) and there are also tulips everywhere. It is wonderful! I had to resist the urge to go pick them all during the wee hours of the morning to fill my room. It would have made me very happy, but the flowers are there for everyone's enjoyment. I took these photos one Sunday afternoon when I should have been doing some kind of homework, probably Math. I am pleased with how they turned out considering the fact that my ghetto camera does not let you view the pictures before you take them thanks to a broken screen. Well, I am off to go read in Barnes & Nobles! Have a wonderful Sunday!

March is over?

March has flown by. I don't know where the month went. How can it be the 31st when it seems like I didn't go home for spring break that long ago? St. Patty's day was two weeks ago? Where did the time go? Part of me wants time to fly by as I am ready for summer, but then the other part of me doesn't want freshman year to be over. This has been a great first year of college. I am incredibly blessed.

Short post since I haven't updated since earlier this month. School is picking up, so you probably won't hear from me for a while.

Seeking with all our heart

I received a letter from a friend the other day, and while telling me how he was doing, he asked me to pray for something specific: that he would not try to fix the problems of his heart on his own. "It takes something deeper though. It requires me to accept defeat to realize I can't follow God without His help, just like I can't be washed clean without His help," he wrote.

So very often, we try to refocus our lives on God, to pass the distance we feel from him, to repent from sin on our own accord by reading the Bible and praying more. The very acts that are so important become our ritual, the solution themselves. But alone, they cannot save. It takes us letting go, accepting defeat, and relying on God to truly change the state of our heart, to bring about that sanctification that is on going in our lives.

Jeremiah 29:13 - "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

So very often when I read that verse, I think that it is all me doing the seeking, but that is such a misconception on my part. God calls us to desire him. He puts that desire in our heart, so that we can truly seek Him. Without His placing that within our souls, we could never come to know him. It is commonly said that we all have a God-shaped hole in heart. And this verse looked at in light of the God-shaped hole makes sense finally! If there is a hole in my heart that can only be filled by God, then in order for me to seek God with all of my heart that hole has to be filled. This verse does not imply that I am doing the seeking on my own, but rather because of God's pursuit in my heart, I can seek Him.

"There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, made known through Jesus." - Blaise Pascal