Libros, libros, libros

I love books. The smell of them, the feel of their pages beneath my fingers, the vast amount of them to choose from.

I once had to give a speech in Spanish class for a minute on something I love, and I am pretty sure it started out something like that (but in Spanish, of course!). In fact, it's pretty much my go to fact about myself to say how much I love reading and explain that I have a list of the majority of books that I have read within the past six years. Since about my senior year of high school, I have not been as faithful to the written word, having the ability to spend more time with friends, choosing to watch Netflix over diving into a book, being distracted by social media... it makes me quite sad! Though in college, it was always hard to find the motivation to read for fun when most of my time was spent reading articles or textbooks...

I hope to read a lot more in 2014. I'm making a list to include new fiction, classics, theology, biographies, and some nonfiction books related to international studies/development/globalization/politics. Here's to being well read! I will leave you with the books I did read in 2013.

1. The Professor and the Madman by Simon Winchester
2.Requiem por un campesino español by Ramon Sender
3. Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams by Sylvia Plath
4. Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis
5. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells
6. Little Altars Everywhere by Rebecca Wells
7. Journey to the Cross by Kendal Haug and Will Walker
8. Soldados de Salamina by Javier Cercas
9. Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke
10. Un largo silencio by Angeles Caso
11. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
12. Dreamland by Sarah Dessen
13. One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voscamp
14. They Came to Baghdad by Agatha Christie
15. N or M by Agatha Christie
16. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
17. Harry Potter y la piedra filosofal by J.K. Rowling
18. At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks
19. The Best of Me by Nicholas Sparks
20. Casino Royale by Ian Fleming
21. The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan
22.  The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordan
23. The Titan's Curse by Rick Riordan
24. The Battle of the Labyrinth by Rick Riordan
25. The Last Olympian by Rick Riordan
26. Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks
27. Amusing Ourselves to Death by Neil Postman
28. Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
29. How Should We Then Live? by Francis Schaeffer
30. Septembers of Shiraz by Dalia Sofer
31. Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
32. The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein
33. The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

Feeling Controversial

*Forewarning: Some thoughts came full circle this evening. I still don't have a lot of closure, but I wanted to share what I have been thinking about lately. The more I learn, the more I realize I have so much more to learn. Adding a political science minor my last semester of college only caused more uncertainty on where I stand ideologically.*

“If a man is not a liberal when he is young, he has no heart. If a man is not conservative when he is old, he has no mind.” – Winston Churchill

This past year, I have developed more questions than answers. It all started with my first and only Sociology class, Regional and Societal Development. I feel the sole purpose of that class was to depress me on the state of the developing world and on the horrors of capitalism and agri-business. The professor was a frightening man. I don’t think he knew my name until the last week of class. He swore constantly, insulted his favorite students, and occasionally cleaned up students’ breakfast trash. Those days were strange. He knew the class was going to be depressing but promised there would be hope come the end of the semester. I didn’t find that hope. I felt like he criticized all missionaries as being Western imperialists and I struggled with how I as a privileged white female should live.

The semester ended, and I wanted to see things from a more global perspective. I became uncomfortable with the notion that America is the greatest. I became uncomfortable with a capitalism that permits workers to be denied living wages, so that I can get my shirt for cheap. I became uncomfortable with the idea that the Western way is always the right way. I spent the summer in Winston-Salem working with Karenni refugees and learning all about missions straight from Southern Baptists.

This semester though, I have had some issues with those Southern Baptists and evangelicals in general, particularly with their political involvement. I began re-reading Blue Like Jazz this evening, and Donald Miller is ON POINT with how I have been feeling in his second chapter “Problems.” A little background – he is at a protest with his friend Andrew as President Bush is in Portland, OR giving a speech.

I felt empowered in the sea of people, most of whom were also carrying signs and chanting against corporations who were making slaves of Third World labor; and the Republican Party, who gives those corporations so much power and freedom. I felt so far from my upbringing, from my narrow former self, the me who was taught the Republicans give a crap about the cause of Christ. I felt a long way from the pre-me, the pawn-Christian who was a Republican because my family was Republican, not because I had prayed and asked God to enlighten me about issues concerning the entire world rather than just America (Miller 19).

I took a class on Southern Politics this semester. I learned a lot, but we mainly talked about race and the rise of the Republican Party in the South. The whole concept of the “Religious Right” bothers me. I realize that not every Christian is a Republican, but coming from a Christian school to a university in the South, people tie religion with the Republican Party. It bothers me that when people talk smack about Republicans, that they are talking negatively about the Christians who hold so tightly to their conservative politics. There are so many connotations that I wish would be taken away. When did the “American way” become so tied to Christianity? Capitalism, business ventures, consumerism, individualism are not aspects of the Gospel.

                                Conservative =\= Christian

                                Tolerance and liberal views =\= Love

                                Socialism =\= Generosity

Those last few equations are from something I scribbled down after a Spanish class where we talked about the political parties involved in the Spanish Civil War. Here is the rest of that note:

“Trying to figure out how these questions can lead me to live life differently. How do my reflections affect my daily actions? The issues are not black and white. This “noble cause” should not cause me to classify people as ‘bad’ and others ‘good.’ All need grace. All need redemption. All are victims of the Fall.”

Miller practically read my mind:

When we were done, I started wondering if we had accomplished anything. I started wondering whether we could actually change the world. I mean, of course we could – we could change our buying habits, elect socially conscious representatives and that sort of thing, but I honestly don’t believe we will be solving the greater human conflict with our effots. The problem is not a certain type of legislation or even a certain politician; the problem is the same that it has always been.

I am the problem (20).

And when I worry about the state of our government and buying my own health insurance and wondering who to vote for that isn’t gonna just play partisan politics, I remember that it’s not my job to defend evangelicals and their political views to non-Christians. I also remember that statistics generalize people a lot. I just hope that Christians will think about the people they support politically. I just hope that American Christians will care more about the world than the state of our economy. And I just hope that I can learn how to follow Jesus in all that I do by looking at how I live my life and not be so bitter at the system.                                

Wonderful Weekends

Today has been a wonderful Saturday, and I have only been awake for approximately two hours. Since coming to college, I have gained such an appreciation for Saturdays. Back in high school, Saturday meant that I worked a pretty lengthy shift at McDonald's that began anywhere between 6 and 8 am. It wasn't a day of relaxation. Weekends at Western are great, but this semester I haven't really been on campus much in the last two months. Last weekend was the first weekend back in forever, and it was stressful with a ten page paper due on Monday. This weekend is different. Classes have finished, and sure finals begin next week, but this weekend I plan to bask in just being here.

Last night was BCM's Open Mic Night, and let me just tell you, I have some talented friends with some excellent taste. Seriously made my heart happy to hear covers of Mumford and Sons, "January Wedding," "Death in His Grave," among others and there was a pretty hilarious dance to "Bye, Bye, Bye." Yummy ice cream and lovely people just completed the night. Those are the nights that I love, when we're all just able to enjoy everyone's company without school or anything to get in the way.

While I love being in those Friday night moments with great friends, I also love Saturday mornings by myself. It's hard to really get away from people in the hustle and bustle of the week. This morning, I rolled out of bed grateful for so many things and have spent this day enjoying several of my favorite things - Les Miserables (finally watching the 25th Anniversary musical... CANNOT WAIT FOR THE MOVIE!), Cheerios and milk, knitting, Hillsong in Spanish :)

I plan to enjoy this last week here as much as possible amidst the stress of finals, but I will be very grateful for a break and for Christmas.

Perspective is Everything.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

This whole semester just feels different, like I am living life looking through different glasses (metaphorically speaking... I am working on not needing a higher prescription). I am slightly obsessed with putting pretty pictures and quotes on my walls, and I think this one accurately reflects something I have been contemplating a lot lately.

It really does matter how you perceive things. Any given day, something will go awry. Sometimes you can fix those problems; other times you cannot. If you let a situation not turning out as you had planned or wanted determine your mood, then you will never be happy. As my friend Marlena's voice mail says, "Remember to find joy in the little things in life." That is so true. Each day, we must choose to look for joy in something other than the circumstances.

C.S. Lewis describes this very accurately in Mere Christianity. “It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind.” 

This quote stood out to me when we read that book in Apologetics my senior year of high school, but I don't think I have been more aware of my need to die to myself each day and choose to live in Christ than I have this year. I am still learning, and there is oh so much to learn. I want to live a grateful life every day, not just on days like today. So often I am frustrated when I feel entitled to something that I cannot have for whatever reason. I am not entitled to anything though. I am beyond blessed, and I want to be grateful for what I have been blessed with. I want to learn contentment in all circumstances of life. I can't remember the source of this quote, but I have found it very true: "Learning gratitude turns everything into enough." 

I am grateful for so many things. I am genuinely happy with where I am in life right now even though it is a struggle. Quite honestly, there are some things that I really want to happen RIGHT NOW. But I am trusting in His provision for my life. If the Lord wills it, then it will be, and I am continually seeking to get rid of my selfish desires for His. 

Mittwoch Musings

Or Miercoles Musings. Or maybe I should just give up the attempts at alliteration and multilingualism and title this entry "Wednesday Musings." Where did the word "Wednesday" even come from?

This week is a strange week. It is quite difficult to come back to class after an extra long Fall Break (THANK YOU WESTERN!), and the flow of the week is thrown off even more by a wedding I am attending on Sunday back home (SO excited Alain and Abby!). I am thankful, nonetheless, for the strange aspect of this week, where papers and tests occur on Wednesdays instead of the usual Friday. Stressful Tuesdays are somehow more manageable than stressful Thursdays. Rather than hitting the midweek slump, I am pumped.

Days like today remind me to find joy in the little things in life, to dance like no one's watching, to use a few cliche phrases. But I really did just dance like no one was watching. What better way to celebrate a lovely day then to crank up Pandora and dance for 20 minutes?! I think there is none, and I really wish life had more dancing, but with no pressure. You see I am not very graceful. I have no rhythm, and I pretty much suck at actually dancing. I basically jump around and throw my arms up in the air. It's rather humorous, but quite entertaining. I am slowly learning to embrace all aspects of my dorkiness and am trying to become more comfortable dancing around people. So what if I look like a dork?!

This is why I love to babysit. Kids don't care if you talk in a weird voice or make up some silly story about what's happening in a moment. I really could go on and on about how I wish people had more fun like children do because life would just be great if we didn't worry what others thought of us and were a little more silly!

Now go read some Calvin and Hobbes and dance to that music next time you feel like it!

A Sudden Fondness for Fall

Fall has never been my favorite season. I tend to dislike cold weather and losing the freedom of summertime to school, but somehow this fall is different. I am beginning to find myself obsessing over various "fall things" and just loving the weather and the season.

Certain things can really only be appreciated when there is a chill in the air. The cold weather just makes everything so much cosy-er. Now, coffee tastes amazing no matter what season, but after drinking lots of iced coffee, it is nice to cuddle up with a book and a mug of hot coffee. Downside: I want to drink coffee all the time, which is neither good for my meal plan nor my caffeine intake (because decaf is just not the same).

Certain music is meant to be listened to in the cold weather. I don't know how to explain which music best suits the cold, but Imogen Heap just screams cold weather.

Baked fruit is everywhere. Apple pies, pumpkin pies, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin bread.... I could go on. I have yet to bake anything with baked fruit yet, but several of my favorite blogs have inspired me to go out and buy some nice organic apples and bake something delicious. The other day in the drive thru, I had a three minute conversation with a lady who ordered the pumpkin shake (tastes really good, but the whole concept grosses me out...) about how much we loved all things pumpkin. It probably could have gone if another car hadn't pulled up.

Other things that make fall great: the leaves changing, Brunswick stew, sweaters, hot chocolate, apple cider, staying indoors more which means more reading, Halloween costumes, Thanksgiving in the Meadow memories, friends.

I'll close with a photo from a drive on the Parkway my freshman year. Drives are a nice escape sometimes. Nothing like the windows down even if the air is a bit nippy, cold weather music playing, and great company. Do you enjoy fall?

Just Thoughts on Being a Junior

My head is so full of thoughts. And I don't want this post to just end up being word vomit, but that is most likely what will occur. In general, I feel more pensive this semester. There has been a lot of different topics and issues that I have wanted to write about, but none that I really felt compelled to actually share. My tendency is to over share sometimes. Hello, Tumblr. I have this tendency of not being able to keep my own secrets. I pretty much tell the world everything, and lately, I have been thinking about why I do that.

This semester has been wonderful so far. I am learning so much about myself and struggling to remember that my identity must be in Christ. I don't know if I have ever wrestled with that as tangibly as I have been lately. All I can really say is that this summer I was super depressed and angsty and mopey and pretty much thought all my friends didn't like me, and now I am at peace. None of those relationships really changed. My friends weren't being horrible to me. I wasn't really ever alone even though I often felt very lonely, but my perspective on things has changed. And it just kind of happened, and I am grateful that it did because life is just FREAKING awesome. Even when circumstances suck,God is faithful and constant.

So far this semester, I have discovered that:

 I kind of actually like running. I am still working on motivating myself, but if I have a good running buddy (like Kelsey Stover! Alice, it's not that I didn't love running with you this summer, but let's face it, neither of us is very good at pushing through wanting to stop...), then I can run more than a mile! My goal is to go for a 5K sometime during the spring, until then I will be happy if I run 3-4 times a week.

Life is better if I spend less time on the Internet. I have mentally written many a blog post on the history of my Internet usage, beginning with Xanga and Neopets to Tumblr, Facebook, etc. But no one would really be interested in that. The Internet is not the best place to vent. And it is quite easy to waste time that I could spend reading a fabulous book like Les Mis!

I really am obsessed with avocados. I could probably talk about them for thirty minutes, not even kidding.

If you say you want to do something, you probably should just go ahead and do it. Things don't get done unless you actually do them. No matter how often you think you need to do ____ or should do ____, it will not happen until you get out of your desk or bed and do it.

I have decided that being a junior in college is pretty awesome. Junior year of high school was awful... Stats class. Stress. AP exams. Homework. Homework. Homework. College decisions (that all changed anyway).  But being a junior in college is where it's at. You have a whole two years under your belt. You're done (or mostly done) with Gen Eds, and actually in your major's classes, which have WAYY less homework. You know how to manage your time a little more, and you are a little more willing to meet and talk to new people since you know your best friends won't abandon you if you try to branch out. All in all, life is great. And if you read through all my ramblings, props.

A strange perspective.

A Trilingual Hymn.

 I visited Christ Church Greensboro today. It was nice to see lots of familiar faces. Even though I don't necessarily have relationships with all these people, they are people I have grown up with, some I have probably seen since I was four. It was nice to have that connection and worship in a different place then I normally do. We sang "Come Thou Fount" which is one of my favorite hymns. I took a photo of this hymn in the Quechua/Spanish hymnal in Peru and thought I would share a compilation of all the lyrics. Obviously, the first stanza is in English, the second Quechua, the third Spanish. If I had a beautiful voice, I would totally sing it for you. While I was waiting at the center before I had to be at the bus station, I opened the hymnal and sang this song in Quechua and then Spanish because it was the easiest to hold the tune with the change in words. Thankfully, God tells us to make a joyful noise to Him. :)

Come Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of God's unchanging love.


Cielu kaq canteekunatam
Cantakiita munayaa;
Qeshpitsiyaamanqeekitam
Cantakur, kushikuyaa;
Almaakuna asheqninmi
Shamorqeeki munduman;
Peekunata ankuparmi
Tikrarqeeki waktsaman.


Toma nuestros corazones
Llénalos de tu verdad,
De tu Espíritu los dones,
Y de toda santidad.
Guíanos en obediencia,
Humildad, amor y fe;
Nos ampare tu clemencia;
Salvador, propicio sé.

Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my ma and pa

Traveling is fun, but I don't think I have been more glad to be in Greensboro then I am now. The past few days were spent in misery (okay, only really misery when it was pouring rain and the tents were leaking and we were trapped on the island) at the beach and a few days before that I spent a week in Peru. That's a lot of adventures for two days time with not much recovery in between. This post is not about those many adventures, both fun and not so fun at times.

I love Greensboro. It is the perfect size, big enough so that it is the third largest city in NC, but also not so big that it's a mass metropolitan area with no landscape. Everything is soo green and lovely right now. Rainy days are great, especially the moments before the rain begins to fall. I am enjoying being able to drive and jam to music in English (though I do love Spanish music...). Greensboro friends are great. Many I have known for years and years, while others I am still beginning to know. It's nice to catch up with people you haven't talked to in awhile and hear what's going on in their lives. It's almost as if you can step out of the "doing in life" and just observe and discuss what's up. I don't know what I'm writing anymore.... my brain is slowly shutting off still not fully caught up on rest. I think I will start blogging about life more. I also need to figure out more creative ways to start sentences than with "it's".... This is what happens when you stop reading as extensively.

The title is from a favorite song of mine by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes called "Home." It is good to be home. Greensboro is home with all its familiar roads and buildings, beautiful skies, and beautiful people. And even though sometimes I feel like "home" is a foreign concept as I become more and more involved at school, no matter where I am, this place will always be where I grew up and will hold so many memories. So mom and dad, you better not move cause I really like my room. And here is a photo of Alice in my room, keeping company while I packed for Peru.

The Adventures of Flat Florence in Greensboro!

 

Meet Flat Florence, a cousin of Flat Stanley who is very popular among the elementary school crowd. She arrived in the mail probably a month ago from a very exciting outing in California! My wonderful friends, Amy and Callie, created her as a fun means to stay in touch. Who doesn't love receiving mail and reliving part of our childhood is always fun too! After adventures in Legoland and on the beaches of California, Florence was especially glad to enjoy some rest and play in Greensboro!

A few days after her arrival, Becca, Holly, and Sara stopped in for a visit before heading to Camp Mundo Vista for the summer! It is always good to see friends who live far away! Florence and friends headed to Battleground Park where the Battle of Guilford Courthouse took place! Pictured below is the man whom Greensboro is named after.

 

Florence, "So Greensboro is named after Nathanial Greene, not just cause everything is green! You learn something everyday..."

 Florence took a sneak peak into Holly's craft basket full of ribbons.

The next few weeks were dull to the average eye, but after a crazy week in Cali so close after her creation, Florence needed some rest. Plus she had to work at her favorite place ever... McDonalds!

 There's no such thing as being too old for Hello Kitty temporary tattoos. Florence can appreciate that. 

Not only is Florence a skilled McDonalds' employee, but on the side she likes to entertain kids, especially when the kids are super adorable and her best friend, Alice, is there too. The Liebmann grandkids enjoyed Florence, although Alden didn't quite understand the concept of posing...

 Lots of play occurred.

 Thankfully, Captain America was ready if anything were to go awry...

And Florence's life motto... Keep calm and carry on. It's pretty much what happened those first few weeks of summer.

And now, Florence is off to the beach with Callie, Nate, and Callie's family! Stay tuned for further adventures...

I’m breathing in all the words that you speak you think that you know, but you don’t know a thing

The pressures of the final week of classes and the stress of upcoming exams has me in a pensive mood lately. If there is something that I can deem "more worthwhile" than doing actual schoolwork, I will find it. So far, I have began a plan to read through the Bible in 90 days. I am somewhere around Exodus 15 (don't worry... I do have a bookmark) after beginning sometime last week. I have started researching possible options for grad school, and mind you, since starting college, I have sworn off grad school saying that after four years here I will be DONE WITH SCHOOL. Buuuut, taking Theological German and Theological Latin and Arabic just sounds so fun. And after a video in church about Compassion International, I have researched a possible internship at their office in Colorado. Andrew mentioned in history class a program in Cambridge where you could earn a certification to teach English as a Foreign Language in only a month... oh the possibilities of life after graduation! Goodbye American dream, and hello world!

It has been two months since I have last updated this blog. I would like to start writing more, but sometimes I just have too many ideas and not enough actual desire to write about them. I am beginning to realize though that I enjoy blogs more than I do Facebook. Since a few days before last Sunday, I have been taking a break to check maybe once every few days for messages, but no real browsing. I used to have to look through every post on the news feed until I was current with what I had read the last time I logged on, but now I am okay with maybe glancing at a few profiles. Facebook forces us to reduce our lives to mere statuses, photos, the occasional note, and liking things you sometimes don't even really like that much. I want more depth in my life. I want to struggle to find the words to write here than throw up a few characters about how stressed I am or that I am sooo excited for the weekend. I want to find out who people are by talking to them, not by trying to figure them out via Facebook. That's not really who they are.

I think for as long as I have been on the Internet I have posted things to prove to people that I am worth getting to know. Social media is fun, but must I have a Twitter, a Facebook, a Google + account, and others to keep in touch with friends I see on a day to day basis. I have always had an "Internet life". It was a nice way of escape, and when I was younger and license-less, there was opportunity for communication outside of my family. It began when I went on the website listed on the back of The Clique series (remember those, Alice) and found a forum of middle school girls. Those were fun times until drama erupted, but from that forum, I explored LiveJournal and making graphics. I met some of the coolest people, who actually cared about my life. And this is where the red flag goes up because uh oh, I made online friends who could come stalk me! but it wasn't sketchy at all. As life has gotten busier, I have neglected most of those websites, not necessarily out of choice. It just happened, and it's weird to try to go back.

I don't want my life to be digital. I realize the Internet is a great tool, but I want to have tangible ideas of my friendships and my thoughts. I'd much rather journal and talk about my life to friends than post a status that maybe gets six likes. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? You're giving me a whole twenty seconds of your thoughts. I don't want to be reduced to a mere profile page. That's not who I am.

P.S. The title comes from the lyrics of the song "My Country Tis of Me" by The Collection (Awesome band in Greensboro that you should check out!) The song is kind of a criticism on the selfishness of America. I have this weird thing that I'd rather the title be obscure song lyrics than something like "Reflections on the Internet." Vague makes you want to read, right?

Have you got it in you?

I wanted to be the girl who knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life, and with much determination accomplished what she put her mind too. Needless to say, I am not that girl. I don’t know what happened… I guess I changed my mind, or never knew really what I wanted. This is all in regards to my major in case you were curious. Tomorrow is Advising Day, and I never thought that I would be the person so unsure of what I wanted to study…

I want to go back to high school when I wanted to be a forensic anthropologist. I didn’t care how many times anyone told me that I would probably change my major once I got to college; I was going to be a forensic anthropologist one day. I wish I could say that I lasted a semester in that major, but even before college began, I was rethinking things, realizing maybe I would rather work with children instead of dead people. The field of education must be for me then… some of my favorite people, the ones who inspired me the most, encouraged me in my academic studies, were teachers. And I always have loved school, but I don’t know if I want to be a teacher… or if I should even be a teacher. Lately, my mindset has been that I’ll get my B.S.Ed. just so that I can teach Spanish if I need to or whatever… but is it worth all that time and energy to go for a degree I am not passionate about? When I think about what my schedule will look like next semester, it consists of four classes for education and only one Spanish class. All of those education classes will require lesson plans, observation hours, etc…. And then if I think about student teaching, I freak…. Why would I dedicate a whole semester to something that I might not even be called to do? But then I think about how impractical it is to just major in Spanish because I don’t really want to be a translator, and I’d need to find something to minor in….

I really like my German class this semester. I really like languages in general. I always loved Latin at Caldwell, and I really wish that I could remember and continue with it now. Words are so cool, where they come from, how different regions say them, what they actually mean… And I just want to study them. I know that’s not practical… I mean what am I going to do with that? But maybe I just like the idea of going abroad and living somewhere, being part of a different culture. Maybe I would like to consider and pray about being a missionary. Maybe I would be totally okay if I spent my life working at McDonalds or a bookstore or a coffee shop or being a mom. Maybe I just want to learn for the sake of learning, not to actually devote myself to a career. Maybe I want to double major in International Studies, so I can continue to take German and actually have it count towards my degree. I think I would rather take Political Science, History, Philosophy and Religion, Anthropology, Sociology, and Geology classes much more than Teaching Methods…

I want to be cultured. I want to be able to reach out to others who are from different regions. I want to take that class on Islamic Traditions (unfortunately it’s not offered this Fall semester) because a certain Afghani family won my heart a few summers ago. I don’t want my life to fit into a nice tidy box of “this is how we do things.” So what if this will be my fourth major? Obviously, I am sticking with Spanish, so I got one thing right… I just want to go where God leads me… I just wish He would yell from heaven, “KAREN, THIS IS YOUR MAJOR ________________.”

Motivation

This morning I woke up earlier than normal for the sole purpose of finishing my homework. That's either the mark of a really bad procrastinator or someone who would rather sleep than stay up and "finish" the reading without really comprehending it cause after a certain hour my brain loses focus. In the process of waking up, I updated my Facebook status with a complaint about the workload it appears I will have this semester, but looking back on that post, I see so much wrong with my complaint. Yes, I will have a lot of reading, and this semester will be difficult, but what else did I expect when I came to college? Aren't I paying for this education? (And by "I", I mean the government, my parents, and maybe a hundred bucks here and there from me). I think this lack of motivation I have to work hard is caused by the fact that I don't see this education I'm getting a privilege. Daily I take advantage of the fact that I am at a university pursuing a degree in the field that I have chosen. Not everyone has that opportunity, and that's not even just people in third-world countries. Many Americans cannot feasibly go to college even with all the help the government provides. I mean for some reason our government values education and considers it important to help students even though we are already ridiculously in debt, and here I am pursuing a career in education, and sometimes I don't even give a flip about my own education. I just want to get by. "Oh, it'll get done...." or "I'll catch up on that after class" and then write a paper full of BS that will get me the grade I need, but that's not the point of me being in school. I'm not here just to get by and love the college life in the process. I'm supposed to study hard, but sometimes the motivation is lacking.

So let's make all these words actually mean something by putting them into action and finishing my two chapters of Don Quijote de la Mancha.

Not that girl

"I'm not that girl. I'm not that girl." I find myself repeating that phrase over and over again to myself as if saying it will make it true. I am fighting to hold onto that in order to believe that I am better than the events that happened. Even though in the world's eyes, the events were nothing significant at all. Nothing that should be avoided. Sure there weren't any feelings behind the hand holding or my head on his shoulder. Just two humans seeking comfort even if it wasn't from someone who would care about them in a more than friend kind of way. But those acts are a gateway, a desensitization of the importance of drawing lines in relationships, of guarding hearts, and seeking wholeness. Yet if I am to reject society's understanding of relationships and boundaries, why am I clinging to how society defines who I am? Because society says that what I do defines who I am. That how I perceive myself is what matters in determining who I am. That I am the choices that I make or don't make. That perspective is quite contrary to what I know to be the truth. If I really believe all that I say to believe than I am not the choices I make or the sum of my past mistakes. I have been redeemed. And I am not what I do or who I define myself to be because ultimately that will only lead to discouragement and discontent in how far I am from where I want to be. My identity must be found in the Spirit who dwells in me. My flesh will fail me but His Spirit is strong in me. And that Spirit says that I am a child of God.

Misinformed political ramblings

I don't pretend to know a lot about politics or the news. In fact, usually I am very uninformed. I only occasionally read up on what's going on if people keep talking, like they did with all that happened in Libya and Egypt, and then now with Joe Paterno. But today has been a day for thinking about politics in Econ and Spanish. In Economics, someone wrote one of our blog comments on a proposed tax on the producers of Christmas trees in order to pay for the advertising they were requesting from the Department of Agriculture to help raise sales. The debate was whether or not there should be this tax and also, if it was even the Department of Agriculture's place to help raise Christmas tree sales. Apparently, the dairy industry did it before, which is how the "Got milk?" campaign began. I think it makes more sense for the government to promote the sale of milk because it is promoting nutrition in a way since milk is important for strong bones, etc. But one girl commented that she didn't think it was the government's place to tell her to live a healthy life and that if she wanted to die from obesity at 50 by all means she would. And that comment just got me thinking about what is the actual role of the government. Does it merely facilitate and make sure no one kills anyone and let the market and everything else run freely? Or are there some kinds of standards that the government needs to promote? Obviously, we need some kind of structure to our lives because human nature is not perfect, but how much structure? And about what things?

On a different note in Spanish class, we were talking about the Spanish Constitution, and one of the articles says that "Everyone has the right to life" but the way it is worded in Spanish, it does not read "Todos los españoles" but rather just the word "todos" which encompasses every living thing...? It's very vague. There is no death penalty in Spain, and I am pretty sure that abortion is legal. My professor was very vague in his answer to my question about what was the view of abortion. I don't get how you can say that you value life and that is why capital punishment is immoral, yet say that a woman still has the right to choose to abort her child or not. And I don't understand how conservatives can be so adamantly "pro-life" when they are in favor of the death penalty. I am not really sure how I feel about the death penalty anymore, but it seems that both sides have their views about what is wrongly taking life mixed up.

Right now, I don't really know what I think about all of this, and I don't really know where to go to be informed because everywhere is biased.

Dear blog, thoughts swill around in my head, occasionally making their way into the lovely "drafts" section of blogger, but I don't ever seem to have any good concluding thoughts. Even now, I have a million threads, but nothing that resembles a finished idea. I think I've cultured myself to have a slight form of ADD, since I bounce from thought to thought, website to book, song to song, my mind never resonates on one thing for too long. This is a problem, an enjoyable problem because I like to have my brain constantly occupied by lots of nice thoughts. However, more often than not all I am left with our nice thoughts and no results, whatever those results may be. I think this might be a reason for my lack of motivation and focus this semester in regards to school. I strive for either mindlessness or mindfulness that is focused on twenty million different things, rather than the actual task at hand. It makes getting work done really hard. It makes it hard to sit down and write an email back to someone if it's more than just a sentence or two response. I dislike this problem, so I am going to turn off the music that I love so much, put my laundry in the dryer, and read a book for real.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Consumes More Blog Posts than Produces

Dear _____,

Dear blog, I'm sorry I neglect you. I just have lots of thoughts and no organization to them in my head. Dear Friday afternoons, you are the best time to be productive. Dear fall weather, you are a wonderful reason to bundle up. Instead of complaining about the chill in the air, I will enjoy all your beautiful yellows, oranges, and reds. Dear new watch, I am still unused to wearing you. I think you might be a little too bulky for my liking. Dear parents who will probably be reading this soon, I am sorry I have not called you back yet; I have been busy sleeping and doing homework. Dear Nancy, let's plan an adventure for Thanksgiving break! Dear Ballinger's creepy swings, please don't go anywhere like that Mack truck did. Dear Today's Letters, thanks for the inspiration for this post.

Sincerely,

A Wannabe British Blogger

Treasures

My phone stopped working for a little bit this evening. Even though I charged it this afternoon when I grabbed it out of my purse after rollerskating, it wouldn't turn on. The screen just remained black. After clicking and holding and clicking a few more times, I began to freak out. I think most of my freaking out was internal with the occasional "Why isn't my phone working?" But the second I knew there was a problem with my phone, I began to stress, and combined with my sudden sleepiness, I just kinda got in a bummy mood.

And it's silly, really. I mean my phone stopped working. It happens all the time to lots of people, and they make it work out. And if I think about it, I am just a spoiled American with my smart phone when so many people are surviving on SO MUCH LESS. But all I could think about was how I would most likely not be able to buy a new iPhone cause I doubt my parents would buy me another, and I wouldn't wanna burden them with that. I have the money and could buy a new one, but really I don't need to spend my money on another iPhone. But what would I do if I got a crappy phone? I mean I couldn't play Words with Friends or take awesome pictures or check Facebook and Twitter a gazillion times a day. I did without for a while. I have only had a cellphone for about a year and a half now and a smart phone for only three months. It's funny how once you move up, the old no longer satisfies. And all of this is just rambling, but this is what was going through my head. I was going to be sad because my phone broke. How materialistic have I become?! Being sad because then I'd have no phone, no camera, and no iPhone. I don't need all this to be happy. But in my head, I place a lot of value in my stuff. I mean Zooey (that's the name of my iPhone, btw) is probably one of the nicest things I own. And I want to take care of what my parents gave me cause it really does mean a lot that they would buy me one. But then there is a point when it becomes too much, and I don't want to be the pathetic girl who cries because her iPhone almost stopped working, and then she starts thinking about how all she wants is a car and money for gas so she can road trip all over America, but no if she can't keep up with her phone, how will she ever keep up with a car?!

Well, there you have it. A step inside the crazy mind of Karen. I just want to be concerned with the right things. I don't want my heart caught up in materialism.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven; where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." - Matthew 6:19-21

An Update

Almost a month has elapsed since I have last updated my blog. I managed to enjoy the last ten days of summer and move back into school with little turmoil. I did discover upon arrival on campus that all of my toiletries (shampoo, condition, hair brush, tooth brush...) were still in a box in my bathroom at home. That was a little offsetting, and it's easy for me to become discouraged when one little thing does not turn out as I had expected. I mean it's a trivial issue, but it put me in a grumpy mood for moving back onto campus. It is good to be back. I love the mountains. Campus really is so beautiful, and I wish my phone's camera did it justice. It is good to be with people here too. There is fellowship here that there is not at home. Not that home is void of fellowship, but here I feel immersed in it. And it's what I need after the last few days of summer and certain distractions.

There is a lot that I could say and a lot that I want to say, but I have decided to take some time to write more for myself than for any other eyes. I enjoy writing and want to share my thoughts and random adventures, but right now I have lots of reflecting on lessons learned that I need to do before I can share. I need to fully flesh out my emotions and thoughts before I have to share them slightly filtered on here.

And now here is my plea for letters: PLEASE WRITE ME. Por favor. I will write back. I have managed to send two letters so far this semester, and I plan to keep at it. Writing is fun. Who doesn't love a random letter?!

Karen Collins
Western Carolina University
245 Memorial Drive, Suite 6701
Cullowhee, NC 28723

This is the countdown; you see our time is running out.

Ten days till I move back to WCU. Everyone is getting excited. You can see it in the countdowns on Facebook and the "I can't wait to see you!" text message; hear it in the excited voices over phone calls or Skype. People at home ask you if you're ready or not, when you're leaving, and many more questions regarding the anticipation. It's easy to get caught up in the sadness of upcoming goodbyes or even in the anticipation and excitement of the new school year. Right now though, I don't know if I can deal with those emotions. I want to savor these last ten days without fear that home won't be the same next time I come back with even more friends going off to college, without stress that I won't get all accomplished that I need/want to, without worries about what is to come at school. I just want to live in the moment. Really enjoy the last few days of summer. Relax and have a good time cause truthfully, I don't know if I am ready. I love Western, my friends, everything, but I love Greensboro, my church, my job, my family. I don't like being stuck between both these worlds. I want to be content in the place I am currently, not wanting desperately to be back at school because the second I get there, I'll be desperately wanting to be home. Why can't I be in both places at once? This is how my life is right now, so I will just have to accept that and hope somehow I can remain content... We'll see how this goes...