An Update

Almost a month has elapsed since I have last updated my blog. I managed to enjoy the last ten days of summer and move back into school with little turmoil. I did discover upon arrival on campus that all of my toiletries (shampoo, condition, hair brush, tooth brush...) were still in a box in my bathroom at home. That was a little offsetting, and it's easy for me to become discouraged when one little thing does not turn out as I had expected. I mean it's a trivial issue, but it put me in a grumpy mood for moving back onto campus. It is good to be back. I love the mountains. Campus really is so beautiful, and I wish my phone's camera did it justice. It is good to be with people here too. There is fellowship here that there is not at home. Not that home is void of fellowship, but here I feel immersed in it. And it's what I need after the last few days of summer and certain distractions.

There is a lot that I could say and a lot that I want to say, but I have decided to take some time to write more for myself than for any other eyes. I enjoy writing and want to share my thoughts and random adventures, but right now I have lots of reflecting on lessons learned that I need to do before I can share. I need to fully flesh out my emotions and thoughts before I have to share them slightly filtered on here.

And now here is my plea for letters: PLEASE WRITE ME. Por favor. I will write back. I have managed to send two letters so far this semester, and I plan to keep at it. Writing is fun. Who doesn't love a random letter?!

Karen Collins
Western Carolina University
245 Memorial Drive, Suite 6701
Cullowhee, NC 28723

This is the countdown; you see our time is running out.

Ten days till I move back to WCU. Everyone is getting excited. You can see it in the countdowns on Facebook and the "I can't wait to see you!" text message; hear it in the excited voices over phone calls or Skype. People at home ask you if you're ready or not, when you're leaving, and many more questions regarding the anticipation. It's easy to get caught up in the sadness of upcoming goodbyes or even in the anticipation and excitement of the new school year. Right now though, I don't know if I can deal with those emotions. I want to savor these last ten days without fear that home won't be the same next time I come back with even more friends going off to college, without stress that I won't get all accomplished that I need/want to, without worries about what is to come at school. I just want to live in the moment. Really enjoy the last few days of summer. Relax and have a good time cause truthfully, I don't know if I am ready. I love Western, my friends, everything, but I love Greensboro, my church, my job, my family. I don't like being stuck between both these worlds. I want to be content in the place I am currently, not wanting desperately to be back at school because the second I get there, I'll be desperately wanting to be home. Why can't I be in both places at once? This is how my life is right now, so I will just have to accept that and hope somehow I can remain content... We'll see how this goes...

You're more real than I thought.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

Those words were rather convicting this morning as we sang one of my favorite hymns in church this morning. I came to church with a semi-idea of how I wanted the last few weeks of summer to look like, but I think God has different plans for me cause today has been a day for conviction. The words from all the songs, the message, conversations with friends all pointed me in the opposite direction than I was heading. I guess you could say that I have been "playing with fire" these past few weeks as far as my heart is concerned; no more explanation is really necessary. While I know this conviction is a good thing, a very good thing, it frustrates me. Not only does it mean that I can no longer go the way I was headed and have to make some kind of effort to change things, it makes me uncomfortable. It means my flesh is about to stop getting what it wants if I plan on listening and following the Spirit. In the past, my conscience wasn't always the strongest, not that I ever really did anything too awful, but ever since sophomore or junior year my conscience weighs on me about the littlest of things. Before it made me feel guilty, but now I can see that it is a blessing, a nudging from the Holy Spirit in the right direction. And now the question remains: will I listen and do what I know is right in where I allow my heart to go?

"The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

Those are my musings during the service this morning, and they have been on my mind all day. I know what I must do, but it all comes down to actually doing it. I am terribly bad about asking for advice in regards to situations that I fully plan on doing my own thing. I know that it is not worth it right now though. I just have to remember what is.

Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.

A lot of summer has happened since the last chance I had to update this blog, and I write this with a heavy heart. My heart is not burdened by sadness or wrought with grief, as I often connect that sentiment. My heart is heavy because it is overflowing with joy. I don't know how evident that may be because I am exhausted from work and from the busy-ness that has reappeared in my life, but lately I have been at the brink of tears when I just think of how blessed I am. Like truly blessed. I may complain, but my complaints are nothing. I may be weary, but my weariness is nothing. Life has truly just been good this past month, and I have trained myself to think "La vida es buena porque Dios es bueno." But if I am honest, the chaos (good chaos) of the past few weeks have caused my heart to forget that statement I now subconsciously add to my "life is good". This Sunday was just an excellent reminder of how good it is to be in the house of God, to worship and to hear His Word. And I want to spend this Sabbath, just being and reorganizing my thoughts (and my room) and refocusing my heart and mind on the One who has overwhelmed my heart with this joy. My joy should not come from my circumstances, these wonderful summer days and summer nights, but rather from the One who brings peace in the midst of all the chaos. If I forget that now when things are going good, how will I remember when things are going bad? I want the joy that I feel inside to overflow and bless others around me because it is rooted in Christ and all He has blessed me with.

I want so badly to believe

I want so badly to believe
That there is truth, that love is real
And I want life in every word
To the extent that it's absurd

Above is the chorus from "Clark Gable" by The Postal Service. Many times throughout the past year at college, these lines have stuck with me. Though I do love the song as a whole, these lines in particular speak to me about something different than the acted love story the song tells. I have really been frustrated lately by other people's sin. To put it bluntly, I have become sick of people's bullshit. (Now, now, please do not lecture me on swearing or on my lack of understanding when to use swear words. I have heard it all before). I have just been so frustrated with people saying one thing and then living another. With people saying that they are going to go about fixing something and then just not dealing with it. Now as I remember this, I see that I was indeed looking at the speck in my brother's eye unaware of the log in my own.

Tonight as I sit down to do my Bible study, these lyrics come back to me because I don't really want to take the time to sit down and focus on the Word of God. I'd rather watch Lost. It requires much less actual brain power. But by not actually digging into the Word, I am lying to myself by not practicing what I claim to believe. If I say that ultimately all that matters in the grand scheme of things is my relationship with God, then why is the majority of my time spent in so many other endeavors?

Summer Goals

I am currently sitting on the floor of my room listening to none other than Sweet Disposition by the ever-awesome Australian band The Temper Trap, and my room is a mess. I have been bumming it all day after work watching How I Met Your Mother and napping. For most people, my room is actually reasonably clean. But it's explosion represents what's been on my mind lately. Fashion magazines left open all over the floor, a car repair manual for the Datsun turned over and left open to the introduction, various shoes I have been wearing left neatly in random spots, all my stuffed animals in the corner from when Megan spent the night and I had to clear my bed, a half made friendship bracelet, a copy of Les Miserables abandoned for far too long, along with other open and uncompleted projects. And I don't want the state of my room to determine the way my summer goes. I feel like my attention span has decreased so much. I have traded in books and movies for magazines and TV shows. I need to establish some sort of routine for days when I am not working, and even for days that I am working. I don't need to sleep and sleep and then when I wake up not have any energy to do anything. Waking up at 5:11 a lot of mornings sucks. Because who wants to wake up at that hour? And honestly who wants to have to communicate with people at that hour, but that is what my summer is going to look like, and I really do enjoy work. It's just those first few moments after waking up where I wonder why the heck am I working so early.

I made a few summer goals. Well actually I only have two that I have actually written down so far. Again, I don't even have enough of an attention span to make goals for the summer.

                1. Read the newspaper and actually be aware of current events.
                2. Learn all about cars. Makes and models. Parts. Mechanics.
                How to change the oil and a tire.

Those are kind of random, but I have realized that I am very politically unaware and rarely know exactly what is going on in the world around me. I mean I knew stuff was happening in Egypt and Libya, but to be honest, I didn't really know anything. And that's sad. Also, I think cars are cool, and I like ghetto old cars, and those tend to break down. It would be handy if I knew how to fix some things.

More importantly though, I really wanna grow close to Jesus. And I am super excited about the Greensboro Summer Project! I am also excited that on Wednesdays we have been talking about how to study the Bible and they gave us a reading plan. If I am honest, I have never like legit studied the Bible on my own. Yeah, I have read the Bible and probably read a good bit, but consistency and depth has never been my strong suit when it comes to studying the Word on my own. I hate hate hate that that is the case since I have been a Christian for like eleven years now. But I have to start at some time, and what better time than now!

Too Many Memories?

Friday night, I attended HPCA's graduation, and on the car ride home, Joy asked, "Does this make you nostalgic?" Of course, it did. Because as of the past year, I have become the most nostalgic person I know, and that is not a good thing. What does nostalgia even mean? It's one of those words that I use but sometimes I think we use words without fully understanding their implications.

I think of nostalgia as simply remembering the past, but it goes far deeper than that. This definition implies that it is a yearning, which involves much more than simply remembering. And it is sentimental, which means this yearning goes beyond just the events but the emotions and feelings felt during previous times. Often, I think that nostalgia is a good thing. I glorify it in fact because I think that it's okay to dwell on the happiness of the former times in order to see how that shaped who I am today. But in reality, nostalgia often breeds discontentment in me. I long for the "good old days" when I was happy and carefree, when in actuality those "good old days" had their disappointments and their heartache. I have just chosen to forget that and only remember the happiness.

Lately especially, I have been trying to reign in my nostalgia. More or less out of fear to remember a happiness I felt at one time that doesn't exist. It's no secret that the happiness of my high school graduation was tied to some other novel events happening in my life that I have refrained from mentioning on this blog before. It would be a boldfaced lie to say that I have not wished for things to have gone differently and remembered things differently in my head. And my tendency towards this nostalgia has prevented me from moving on and allowing my heart to heal.

I am almost afraid that I won't remember how good things were. I am afraid that I will forget all the good times and memories and people. And I don't want to. Who would? But by remaining in the past, I am hindering how I live in the present. I don't want to be too caught up in the memories that I create what I am trying to avoid. As silly as it seems, I am worried that I won't ever be that happy again. That my life is going to be downhill from here on out. I know that is false, but still it doesn't mean the idea hasn't entered my head.

Jesus called the rich young ruler to leave all of his possessions and follow Him. I don't want Jesus to ask me to leave all my memories and follow Him, and me to turn away because I was saddened. Now, I know that is most likely not going to happen, but I heard someone say before that we should pray boldly. And it is my prayer that if God were to completely erase my memory, so that I forget everything that ever happened to me, all the people, the laughs, the good times, the tears, the drama, that I would be okay with that and still serve Him. I want Him to take away everything that is hindering me from fully following Him. He has blessed me with those memories, but am I giving glory to the memories or to the One who gave me those opportunities?